First and Foremost: CONSENT!
Thirty years ago…my how time flies…
A Hunting I Will Go!
Thirty years ago, I went to my first Kink Event in San Diego…Leatherfest! This “Leatherfest thing” was almost exactly like your usual every day type of convention. At face value it seemed just like the others…there were classes, a free bag of goodies when you walked in, all sorts of booths of products and toys for sale and even some of those fancy restraining Velcro bedsheets. Yes, I owned some of these in the beginning of my kinky adventures as well. Don’t deny it, I’m sure most of you owned a set of these at the beginning of your kinky lifestyle adventures too.
Anyways, they had 6 inch tall sexy stripper looking shoes and extremely revealing outfits for purchase as well, and leather goods everywhere! Oh my! There were porn stars bearing as much skin as legally allowed in public. Of course their areolas covered with these amazingly elaborate and glittered pasties! They were standing around here and there with their photos, signing autographs, handing out free CDs. You know, all the usual fun convention stuff.
Down the Rabbit Hole!
Now there’s one thing that really set this convention out above the rest…The Dungeon! At night is when the dark sexual magic happened, when the attire changed, collars and leashes came out, masks were adorned, sheer clothing, latex and leather outfits revealing all, that left nothing to the imagination; but my imagination was reeling and my heart beating even faster. I was anxious to see what this was all about.
The Awakening!
I was not prepared. I thought I was prepared, I was not prepared. I dressed in my sexiest outfit and then walked down the two flights of stairs in my 4 inch stilettos, hanging onto the railing for both my physical and mental stability. I had no idea what I was about to see. Deeper down into the dimly lit basement I went. A live DJ, barely noticeable was set up in his little corner to enhance the energy and vibe of the evening. I was feeling the beat of the music, deep within my chest. It seemed to be calling to me the closer I got to that door…and then I entered Dungeonfest! A world of fetish and fantasy, a world of crosses and cages and tables and swings and all sorts of contraptions I had never seen before. I had no idea any of this even existed…but I knew at that very moment that I needed to know and experience all that I could!
Permanent Changes…
My life was changed forever after that weekend, honestly after that first night! I was in awe. I was enamored. I was enthralled. I was excited. I was in shock. I was light headed. I was trying not to climax. I had no idea just how deeply down that rabbit hole I would go. No idea what the rules were, what this was all about…all I knew is that I needed to know more and experience as much as I possibly could and so I began chasing that endorphin high of kink, scenes, and exhibitionism! I had no idea at that time what I was getting myself into and just how far this would go.
Playtime!
In our world of “scenes” and “play” and “swingers” and “Kinksters” we can all reside respectfully together in knowing that your personal space, physical body, mental health, etc. is of the utmost importance and that you will be honored and respected when interacting with others who are in your presence at an event. It is vital we educate ourselves on all of these areas of consent not only with our play partners but also in order to be respectful of others as well. Once you educate yourself, you then will have the freedom to choose which of these meets your needs, specific to your lifestyle preferences and choices and then you will also be educated and aware as to not be disrespectful to anyone else, their relationship dynamics, and/or also their property in turn.
Property?
Property is often thought of as play toys or items utilized within a scene or playtime. However, sometimes people can also be someone’s property. In this memoir, we will touch base on the dynamics of various types of relationship consent standards and how to navigate yourself at events that may include a mixture of all sorts of dynamics, lifestyles and even someone’s property; be it physical items or sometimes even specific people.
So Many Choices!
No matter your lifestyle choices, be they swinging, kink, Dom/Domme and sub, Master/Mistress and slave, as well as Poly, consent is absolutely required. Some may argue that some relationships no longer require consent. However, consent would have or should have been given during the development of that type of relationship or lifestyle dynamic preference or choice in order to be clear on how that relationship’s dynamics will be practiced, which in turn is also giving consent.
Hugs and Kisses - Oh My!
We must always make sure we understand what proper consent actually means and make cognizant efforts to practice consent for all parties/people present. This, basically means, you should always ask for permission for a hug, a kiss, or any physical touching as well.
Sometimes it’s necessary to ask their play partner for the specific consent based on the type of relationship they may have. This can often be observed by the type of accessories a person may be wearing or their demeanor or body language towards a specific person. They may be wearing wrist cuffs or a collar or special necklace, they may have chains attached, possibly wearing a leash, among many other things.
Never assume that because that person is present at a particular event or because you’ve touched them in the past or even had some form of sensual, sexual or BDSM scene with them prior, that you still have consent. Consent is given and required each time individually and must be completely understood prior to any of these occurrences, each and every single time and/or event.
Consent can also be removed at anytime, and is also the individual’s right to do so. Sometimes a blanket consent has been specifically given to an individual/partner but it can also be revoked at any time and that must also be respected without question. A smack on the ass, the touching of a breast, even touching their hand or going in for that big hug or a friendly kiss to say hello…these all require consent! Often we become too comfortable in our interactions and forget that getting consent means showing respect for everyone involved and that is absolutely required!
How?
A simple “may I do such and such” can suffice as long as there is a positive consenting “yes.” A nod of the head, a hand outreached towards you, can all mean that consent has been given. Sometimes you’ll need to obtain consent from their dominant partner first. You must always keep this awareness as well, whenever there is a possibility that you may be in the presence of various relationship dynamics. Perhaps this individual is in a Dom/sub relationship and one of their rules is that all initial communication goes through the Dominant partner first. This can absolutely be difficult to see or understand at times. You may possibly offend someone or they may pull back abruptly from you. If they are not responding to your direct interaction, it may be that you are required to ask their Dom/Domme or Mistress/Master for consent to do anything including communicate with their sub or slave. It may also mean that they have been instructed by their partner to not interact with others, as they are not there for other’s pleasure or interests. This may also be the dynamics of a Dom/sub relationship and must be respected as well.
The Munch!
I remember when I first met a couple at a munch at a coffee shop….it was a kink munch. A munch is a term to basically describe a meet and greet at a safe location, which is comprised of people of various kink, swing or poly lifestyle preferences or choices. They are usually held at a vanilla location, such as a coffee shop, to give people a safe space to meet others with like fetishes, kinks or lifestyles. This gives you an opportunity to become a part of a community and possibly meet others who may be seeking the same as you. No actual BDSM or sexual play takes place during these events. These are only set up as a means to connect with likeminded others and the local community or group they represent.
Awkward Introductions…
It was my first true munch with a very uncomfortable introduction. So at the time, I had a “Daddy Dom,” and I was his “Baby Girl.” We will talk more about those terms in another memoir. Anyways, my Dom was not able to attend the munch that evening, but encouraged me to do so and instructed me to specifically meet a certain couple there, who he thought would be a great influence in my development as a sub.
Common Confusion
I remember my Daddy describing to me their looks, demeanor and dress and I knew I had located just the specific people he was referring to. They were off to the side in a smaller corner room and they were having a conversation with another couple. Me being the outgoing person that I am, I walked right up to the table and immediately introduced myself and said that my Daddy had told me to seek them out and introduce myself. I was expecting a returned “hello, nice to meet you,” or some sort of response to my bubbly personality; trying hard to not let them see how nervous I was actually feeling. I was looking at one of the young ladies, as I thought it would be easier to begin conversation that way. Three out of the four of them continued talking to each other, they did not look up, nor did they address the fact that I had introduced myself. I honestly felt pretty awkward.
I also felt uneducated and a bit out of place and realized quickly that I had picked the wrong moment and the wrong person to address. You see this group of people was basically what is considered a kink family. The conversation they were having was a discussion regarding the parameters of entering into a Master/slave relationship dynamic, creating a contract and entering into the protection of their family. At this time it was not appropriate for me to just pop in and say hi! Of course, I did not know that at the time, but with time comes great knowledge and with great knowledge comes educated decisions and respectful interactions.
Protocols = Respect!
These are all things that I have since learned, but as a new Kinkster coming into this environment, I didn’t realize that there was a protocol of sorts and that they all practiced it in it’s entirety. Basically I should have addressed the Dominant at the table but should have done so without interruption of their conversation. I had imposed myself into their lifestyle without even trying and in the end learned a valuable lesson regarding waiting to be addressed and making sure I was addressing the right person to begin with. These types of dynamics can be very exciting to be involved in. However, you can certainly feel like you’ve put your foot in your mouth if you’re not aware or aren’t addressing people in a proper manner. Lesson number one for me on how to get permission to discuss and/or talk to certain individuals. Get consent from the right person first. This can definitely be difficult to navigate. However, with an observant eye and a little bit of education, it can be done properly without leaving you feeling awkward or ignored or the other person feeling disrespected.
Uninvited to The Scene!
Another form of consent that is required is during play or during a “scene.” Obviously when we think about sexual interactions we usually immediately think of asking permission to touch or interact sexually with that person. However, consent goes even deeper than that.
At one of my parties, as I was getting more and more into the kink scene. I had a Daddy Dom who wanted to flog me on the cross. The evening was late enough and everything was being handled for this particular party and it was all going quite well. So I felt I could step away from it and do 20 minutes or so of a scene. My Daddy strapped me onto the cross, as I always prefer to be restrained and he began with the building and warming up process. As I was starting to get into that head space, basically a mental state where everything else seems to melt away and the endorphins are being produced…someone else decided it was time that they become a part of our scene. They were basically also feeling the energy it was creating with both my Daddy and myself and wanted to become a part of it. Now often people in the swing world who haven’t been exposed to “scenes” may not understand this and feel that as long as there is no touching you have not broken a consent rule. Sometimes swingers on the sidelines make comments or touch themselves as they are watching others play. Some may be in hopes that they will be asked into the play if they are showing their enthusiasm and enjoyment over what is happening in front of them. Some will just ask permission if they can join in, which obviously is perfectly acceptable as well. At which point, the person can say yes or politely say no.
However, this particular person at the time did not understand that with kink scenes you are allowed to observe, but it is not appropriate to interject yourself or your verbal comments into their scene. This requires consent. As I was being flogged, they stuck their head in between the top cross sections and started interjecting sexual comments to me and about me, regarding how I looked and what they thought I was feeling.
At that point my endorphin head space was gone. My focus and mental state was now changed over to this person making the comments towards me. This person was never asked to join in on the scene and they never asked to be a part of it either. They basically took liberties and joined in without receiving any consent. Not only was this very disrespectful and rude but it also ended the experience for me and I then asked to be taken down off the cross because I could no longer ignore this other person. I was not interested nor did I want someone making sexual comments about me while in the middle of my kink. I honestly felt violated, upset and very disappointed that it was over.
Energy and Endorphins!
When someone is doing a scene or playing with others at a party or at an event, they may be experiencing more endorphins because they are on display and others are seeing and feeling their energy as well. That could be their kink. Many enjoy exhibitionism. It does not mean those other people are allowed to be a part of the scene in any other way. They are allowed to be a part of the scene by observing and feeling the energy that is being exchanged but that is as far as that should go, unless consent and previous negotiations were made prior. Perhaps those doing the scene are also feeding off the energy of others observing them but that doesn’t allow or give consent to others to get involved in the scene by interjecting themselves either physically or verbally. These observations should also be made at a respectful distance and done quietly to be of the utmost respect. You are there and able to enjoy what is happening but you have not been given consent to join.
Lessons Learned!
How you live and experience your lifestyle with your partner or partners may be completely different that another’s relationships and rules. It may just be you and your significant other on an equal playing field. It may be you as the Master or Mistress, it may be you as the sub or the slave. It may just be you both as a couple, navigating this lifestyle together experiencing other play partners together, or it may be living a poly lifestyle where you specifically are dating and having full relationships with other individuals simultaneously. The beauty of it all is that we are free to do as we wish and live as we choose, as long as we do so with respect and obtain consent from others we come into contact with along the way.
Diving Deeper…
More in the swinger world than in kink we have heard the expression, “no means no.” Be aware that the Kink Community often uses other terms. The “No Means No” term and rule seems to be drilled into our heads at every swinger event. It’s usually brought up to you by the hosts, and often listed at the top of all the posted and required party or event rules.
Clear, Concise Communication!
A person should absolutely convey or communicate to you that the answer is very clearly no. Sometimes this is quite simply verbal and other times a bit more complex and complicated to understand or read. So in order to make sure consent is given, we must also watch for facial cues, physical body language, a nod or a smile, a pulling back of the hand or a step away. Be aware of all the person is communicating to you, whether it is verbal, physical or even accentuated in their tone of voice.
Enthusiasm!!!
Often you’ll hear the term “enthusiastic consent.” Basically informing you in no uncertain question that you’ve been given consent. If you are not sure, then that is not consent. That means no until you are certain. All of these other methods can also be communicating a yes or a no as well. Often times people find it difficult to verbalize a no, as they are trying to not offend or upset the person who is asking. When someone says no however, it should be absolutely respected and acknowledged politely. Therefore causing you to immediately stop your advances, whether it be touching, hugging, kissing or even communication in such a manner. Some relationship dynamics even have rules regarding communicating with others or even as far as not allowing them to accept physical touch from others such as a hug. Consent also helps to set limits and boundaries within your lifestyle preferences, as well as maintains a level of trust from all parties and a positive and safe environment for everyone.
The Common Consent Acronyms:
SSC, PRICK, RACK, FRIES,
And Consensual Non-consent
SSC
Safe, Sane and Consensual
In the world of BDSM, the motto “Safe, Sane and Consensual” is a term and fundamental principle that has been used frequently since the 1980’s to ensure that activities are safe or as safe as can be done. The individuals involved are of sound mind and able to clearly make a judgement call if they feel a particular situation needs to stop. Also that all parties actively involved have given their full consent of the specific activity without any coersion.
RACK:
Risk-aware Consensual Kink
Some BDSM practitioners prefer a different consent code called: RACK. Which simply means, Risk-aware Consensual Kink. This puts an emphasis on an individual’s responsibility for their own well being. No matter what your dynamics, you are always responsible for yourself. Some would say they prefer this code rather than SSC because of the fact that BDSM has risks and often times may not necessarily be completely safe. So it’s important to know the risks that you take during different types of BDSM play or scenes and to know what may be required if something goes wrong.
PRICK:
Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink
Yes another consent code that has been established as of late is: PRICK. Which is defines as Personal Responsibility, Informed, Consensual Kink. This stems from the idea that you cannot give complete consent if you are not truly and completely informed as to the risks involved. Basically means that you understand what is about to happen and that you take full personal responsibility, while being completely knowledgeable to the actual activity itself, including the risks you take from giving consent to it happening to you or around you. This also allows you to step outside of your comfort zone and explore or experience something that you may not have entertained, if you had not educated yourself regarding the risks beforehand. Also knowing the risks means you are informed as to how to deal with those risks should they occur. Also preparing for the aftercare of a particular scene is very important prior to that scene happening, and making sure all areas are covered for safety, first aid and comfort afterwards.
FRIES:
Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific
Would you like FRIES with your kink? Of course you would! This is a new development in the world of consent. Which has the basic meaning of Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, and Specific. At any time consent can be given and it can also be taken away, at any time! Even in a Dom/sub or Master/slave relationship each person still has a voice and a say to what happens to their body. Yes the dynamics of this relationship may say otherwise and you have both decided to go into this relationship fully understanding your choices and roles but in the end, each person has a choice.
ON-GOING CONSENT:
Some terminology for this is: Free Use, Blanket Consent, Consensual Non-consent. These are more subjects for another time where we will discuss giving ultimate consent regarding all things…acts, situations, scenes, lives, etc.
CONSENSUAL NON-CONSENT:
A very perplexing terminology that some may enjoy within their play based on how they negotiate a scene or playtime. We will talk more on this one another time.
Madame’s Closing:
However you choose to live your lifestyle, do it fully and do it with consent. Whenever you attend various parties and events, realize and recognize that all in attendance must be respected and proper consent must be given or received in order to play with or do your scene with others. Realize that observing people playing or doing a scene requires your utmost respect and when that respect is given, you’ll have the opportunity to experience that energy as well, if you observe quietly and respectfully. Whenever greeting individuals make sure to ask permission to touch in any way and try to be more cognizant and observant of relationships dynamics, whenever possible. If an error occurs, if you don’t read the people or relationship properly, simply apologize politely, recognize and learn from your mistakes. After all, life is a journey, and we all must take our own road. Enjoy your travels and know that…
“The Best is Yet to Come!”
Madame V
Resources:
Listed below are some additional resources that you may find helpful along with web sites and videos that Madame has obtained information from and recommends.
Basic Wikipedia Definitions
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Safe,_sane_and_consensual
Jt.org
Swinger Etiquette: The Beauty of Respectful and Consent-Centric Interactions - Jt.Org
The Submissive Guide
Swing Open
Consent is Everything – Swing Open
Kink Community Protocol
https://medium.com/edgeplay/how-consent-is-encoded-as-protocol-in-the-kink-community-a1290047e4ca
Evie Lupine’s Kink YouTube Channel
https://youtu.be/UP2pKAc4aT8?si=X-hEzsvnpjpYSk13
FetLife Site
The Consent Checklist
https://www.rewriting-the-rules.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/Consent-Checklist-1.pdf
Kynk101
A Guide to Getting Started In Kink & BDSM — KYNK 101
National Coalition of Sexual Freedom
